


01 | "No! Come Back!" Fictober 2020

by CaffeinatedDisaster



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Fictober 2020, Gen, Halloween
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:49:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26756077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffeinatedDisaster/pseuds/CaffeinatedDisaster
Summary: The first prompt for 2020's Fictober.The line in use is "No! Come back!".
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	01 | "No! Come Back!" Fictober 2020

**“No! Come Back!”  
An “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” Fic Prompt**

“Look, I’m not saying you can’t shave your balls,” Dennis said, “but if you want results that the ladies love, you’re gonna wanna wax those bad boys.” Charlie and Frank recoiled slightly at the thought.

“How wax that close to my dick? No thank you,” Frank said. Dennis shook his head.

“So, you’re fine with a razor – something that could split your ballsack right open with, but wax is where you draw the line?”

“I don’t want anything down there!”

“What about when we played quarantine?” Charlie asked, “You got a little freaky with that razor.”

“That was different. I had to stay pure.”

Dennis was about to make another brilliant point when Mac came out of the bathroom.

“Mac!” Charlie said, “Help us out here, buddy. How do you like your balls?” Mac laughed sarcastically.

“Hilarious, Charlie – gay jokes are super “in” this year,” he said. Dennis rolled his eyes.

“For the last time, man, no one cares that you’re gay,” Charlie said.

“I think we’ve made it abundantly clear,” Dennis began, “That we don’t care about you at all.”

“We’re talking about OUR balls, Mac,” Charlie said.

“Oh gross – I’m not into any of your balls,” Mac said, sitting at the bar.

“Shave or wax?” Frank said. Mac looked indignant.

“Neither,” he said, “My balls are as God made them. Why would I change His design?”

The gang collectively sighed and continued drinking as Dee entered the bar.

“Sup, Boners?” she asked, “Still talking about your itty bitty balls?”

“There is nothing itty or bitty about my balls,” Frank said.

“It’s true,” Charlie said.

“Gross,” Dee and Dennis muttered in unison. Frank noticed the bag in Dee’s hand.

“What’s that?” 

Dee held the bag up.

“Oh, this?” she said, “This is my little secret.” Dennis shrugged and popped the cap off another beer.

“Good, because no one gives a shit,” he said. Dee put the bag on the bar.

“No! I’ll tell you!” she said, but she had already lost everyone’s attention.

“No one cares, Deandra,” Frank said.

“You’re the one who ASKED,” she said. Frank shrugged.

“And now I don’t care. That’s life, bird,” Charlie laughed.

“Nice one,” he said, high-fiving Frank.

“Did we just call Dee a bird?” Mac asked, pausing his sweet karate moves for only a second.

“Sure did!” Frank said.

“Nice one,” Mac said. He looked to Dee. “Bird.” The group laughed.

“It’s for Hallowe’en!” Dee said, a hint of desperation in her voice, “I thought we could make things scarier around here for the holiday.”

“Dee,” Dennis said, “We could just tape up nude pictures of you around the bar and that would make this place scarier, but sure – what did you get?”

Despite feeling her soul die slightly, Dee chose only to respond to the second half of Dennis’ sentence.

“It’s a noose, but it’s got a rigging in the back so you can make it look like you’re hanging yourself without having to, you know, die,” she said.

“Sounds stupid,” said Charlie, “Why would you use a noose if you didn’t want to die?”

“That’s true,” said Mac, “I mean, suicide is a sin and you’d burn forever in the bowels of hell, but if you’re gonna kill yourself, you should at least do it right.”

“It’s. A. Decoration,” Dee said. She looked to Dennis for assistance, but he just shook his head slightly and raised his hand.

“We’ll explain when you’re older,” he said. He took the noose and tried it on. “I like it, but I think you may have wasted your money. Let us not forget that if we wanted a decoration like this in the bar, we could always just hang Frank and his disgustingly thick neck.” Frank raised his beer in acknowledgement.

“Yeah, but, I mean… who would want to look at Frank? I thought we could try to combine a bit of Hallowe’en fright with some serious sex appeal,” Dee said. Dennis looked confused.

“Yeah, but I always work the bar at Hallowe’en. I can’t be a decoration AND take shots from between the breasts of sexy nuns and cats.”

“Or sexy librarians,” Frank said. Dennis pointed his beer at Frank.

“Or sexy nurses,” Mac said.

“Or sexy horses,” Charlie said. The gang looked at Charlie. “Sexy… half… horse… women?”

Dee shook the imagery out of her head.

“I didn’t mean you, Dennis,” Dee said, “I think you’re missing the real hotness of the bar.”

“No can do,” said Mac, “Security needs to be super tight on Hallowe’en. I can’t do ocular pat downs when I’m swinging from the ceiling.” Charlie sipped his beer.

“You can’t do ‘em when you’re not swinging from the ceiling,” he said.

“What did you say to me?” Mac said, taking an aggressive stance. Charlie hopped off his barstool.

“I meant ME! ME for Christ’s sake,” Dee shouted. 

Everyone stopped.

Everyone laughed.

“Oh yeah,” Dennis said, “That’s what people want when they walk into Paddy’s – a giant swinging bird, squawking from the rafters.”

“Well I’m the only one who knows how this thing works, so y’all can suck my dick. This bird is gonna be flying come Hallowe’en.”

“Alright then, let’s see you do it,” Frank said. Charlie and Mac took a seat.

“Fine,” said Dee. She rustled inside the bag, removing a small metal frame that she strapped around her waist and back.

“Aluminium Monster 2,” Dennis coughed. Dee glared at him for a moment, before pulling the noose off from around his neck.

“Okay, so I run it… here, and clip… this,” she said, finishing up the rigging. “Okay, now I need you guys to run this rope over that rafter right over my head.”

Charlie, Mac, and Frank rose to their feet and took the rope. Mac took the end and, after a brief display of martial arts, threw the rope and missed the rafter completely. Charlie picked the rope off the floor and threw it.

He also missed. Frank picked up the rope.

He missed too.

“Jesus Christ,” Dennis said, coming out from behind the bar, “You’d think you’d never hanged anyone before.” He took the rope, swung it over the rafter, and handed it back to Charlie.

“Okay,” Dee said, “Now you guys pull, and I’ll make it look like it’s hanging me.”

The three guys pulled the rope, and in moments, Dee’s feet were no longer touching the ground. She shuddered and convulsed in an incredibly unconvincing way before “dying”. After a moment of silence, she opened her eyes and gestured expectantly.

“Well?”

“Shit.” Dennis said.

“Oh, screw you,” Dee said, “You’re just jealous because I’m going to get all the attention, and you’re gonna be all alone, cranking off your baby dick in the corner.”

Dennis put down his beer.

“That could be the case,” he began, “Were I in possession of a baby dick, and not the blessed phallus that hath satisfied many… many women in our beloved city. Or if I did not have a multitude of young, pink beauties who, at a mere beck and call, would satisfy me in ways that you couldn’t even imagine.”

Dennis sauntered toward Dee.

“But if it’s attention that you truly seek, then we shall certainly provide it.”

Dennis gestured toward Charlie and Mac, who nodded and tied the rope off on the large pillar in the middle of the bar. Dee tried to see what was going on behind her, but she figured out what was happening soon enough.

“Don’t you dare,” she said.

“Gentlemen – let us away to the ATM, and then the strip club. Let’s let Dee have her… attention.”

The men raised their chins and walked gallantly toward the exit.

“No… no no no!” Dee said.

“See you later, sweetie,” Frank said.

“No!” Dee said, trying to reach the rope, “No! Come back! God dammit. God DAMMIT!”

The door almost closed before it was stopped by Dennis who peaked his head in for only a moment.

“You bitch.”


End file.
